I love my husband; we have shared 22 years and have raised two children together. He is a great man, we do a lot of things together, we have never fought, or had any troubles, but lately he just doesn’t make me feel ‘special’ anymore. I am wondering if we need counseling?
Kate, London
Dear Kate,
It sounds as if you and your husband are very companionable and have achieved a real sense of comfort and togetherness with one another. However you, also sound bored and a bit frustrated. You describe a relationship that is trouble free, and that may be translating into challenge-free, surprise-free, change-free and passion-free.
Sometimes, in the process of building a home and family and in effort to protect themselves from marital conflict and pain, partners suppress ‘ negative’ feelings like anger, frustration, and sadness. While keeping the peace may seem like a good idea, over time, numbing ourselves and avoiding all our irrational emotions, can actually lead us to miss out on the passion and spontaneity that keeps a relationship truly alive. In fact, growth, change and deeper understanding are often the byproducts of conflict, and without it you could find yourself is a marriage that is controlled and untroubled, but very dull.
Perhaps the key to feeling ‘special’ again is to make yourselves interesting to one another again. When you first met, you spent time discovering what was interesting in one another. Naturally 22 years later, all those years of togetherness have likely led to familiarity, so if you want to continue to be interested and interesting, you will have to make it so.
Here are some questions to ask yourselves:
1. Am I over invested elsewhere (i.e. in the children or a career) and under invested in the marriage?
2. Do I feel bored with myself? What new interests or activities would energize me as a partner?
3. Am I an evolving partner? What do I contribute emotionally or intellectually to the partnership?
While you can begin the process yourself, couples counseling, can be useful for individuals in your situation. A skilled therapist will assist you in taking an honest inventory your yourselves and the state of your marriage, while facilitating a deepening compassion and understanding of each other’s wishes and struggles.