Dear Susan,
I have been separated from my wife for over 8 months. It has been really hard but I thought I was adjusting to being single again, because I was dating and starting to feel happier living alone…but with Christmas looming, I have started to feel increasingly lonely and depressed. Is this normal?
Dan,
London
Dear Dan,
While the holidays are a time typically associated with parties, gifts and cheer, they are, for many people also a time of struggle, loss, despair, and sadness.
Holiday related depression is relatively common, affecting up to 10% of the population to some degree or another, and is usually triggered by memories of happier times in our lives. Are you remembering past holidays that you spent together? Or are you feeling depressed seeing other couples, and realizing that you don’t have that ‘special someone’ in your life?
Often people experience distressing feelings and memories as a natural part of the loss or grieving process. Sometimes the process is still not completely resolved, and consequently you can become more upset by triggering events or certain times of the year. This may be a sign that you still need to find acceptance of the loss, which is the final step in the grieving process.
Whatever the reason for suffering the holiday blues, there are some things you can do to cope with or at least minimize their impact in your life.
Try to keep your mind focused on things which bring you pleasure and which you enjoy doing. Do you have hobbies? Can you start a ‘project’? Is there something you have always wanted to learn how to do? Is there an old activity that you used to enjoy, but for whatever reason dropped? This can be a good time to immerse yourself! This is by no means a cure-all, but the point is to try to keep your mind distracted from rumination over your loss.
Try to avoid public places that remind you of sad feelings or memories. While you do eventually have to integrate those places with new memories, do not add to your despair by feeling forced to do so now. Those places will still be there after the holidays, and you can deal with those sad feelings later.
Try to spend time with friends or family who are not associated with your loss. Spending more time with friends can also keep your mind off of your negative emotions. Some people avoid doing this, because they worry about bringing others ‘down’ with their mood. However, this is unlikely to happen, and more often than not, they will bring your mood up by helping you develop new feelings of togetherness and belonging.
When the holidays are combined with a loss, there is no easy way to cope. In fact, sometimes you may have to simply grit your teeth, ball your hands into fists and get through it. However try to remember that Christmas is just a day, and make plans for what you can do to make NEXT Christmas a better one!
However, if you do find yourself feeling overwhelmed by sadness or despair, do not hesitate to call the London & District Distress Centre at (519) 667-6709. They are a 24 hour service so there is always someone available listen and to talk to.