Dear Susan,
I am the parent of a 2 year old boy who won’t listen to me. He throws food at the dinner table, and has tantrums whenever I say ‘no’ to something. How can I make him behave?
Louise, London
Dear Louise,
A toddler’s world is made up of exciting new discoveries. However, their discoveries can be ill timed or may even be dangerous. Add to the challenge that healthy toddlers are similar to healthy teenagers, they are ready to leave one stage behind and start a new one. Your son is trying to leave babyhood behind, become more independent and discover more things on his own. However, because he is so young, he also has very little self control and almost no tolerance for frustration, which explains why he gets angry when you say ‘no’ or take something away from him.
The best way to avoid fights with your toddler, is to remove the objects and situations that are going to force you to say ‘no’ in the first place and provide alternatives. For instance, put latches on the kitchen cupboards, but give him a kitchen drawer of his very own full of safe kitchen utensils to play with. If he does get into something and you need to take it away from him, have an interesting alternative on hand…something he can become distracted with.
These simple modifications should reduce the number of times in a day that you have to say ‘no’ and make the occasional ‘NO’ you do need to say, much more powerful.
The ideal way to discipline or modify a toddler’s behaviour, is through positive reinforcement, such as praising and celebrating good behaviour. This makes children feel good and teaches them that positive acts will get more attention than negative ones. In your son’s case, try making a fuss and praising him at the dinner table for using a spoon, eating his vegetables, etc. before he begins to throw his food.
However, if he does throw his food and you do need to reprimand him. Keep it simple, and make sure the consequences are immediate, so that he can clearly see the results of his actions.
The 3 Strike Method is helpful for both parents and children because it is predictable and consistent.
1. Say ‘no’ in a regular tone of voice
2. Say ‘no’ again in a more stern voice.
3. If you need to say ‘no’ a third time, consequences will follow.
Let’s apply this to his behaviour at the table. You can say ‘no’ once, and then say it again more sternly, but if he does not stop throwing his food, you would then create a consequence, such as taking his food away for a few minutes. If you do this consistently every time he throws his food, he will soon learn the consequence of his actions.
Just remember to reserve the greatest praise and fuss for the first few times he stops HIMSELF from throwing his food, so that he can feel proud of the new skill he has learned.