Dear Susan,
I am 36, separated for 7 months and have started dating. One theory I’ve heard before is that you wouldn’t want to be someone’s “rebound” person. I recently met a man I’m very interested in. But I would definitely be his “rebound.” Should I hold back until he has had at least one relationship?
Crystal, London
Dear Crystal,
There’s only one way to avoid being a “rebound” and that is by proceeding slowly. What gives “rebound” relationships such a bad name is that they’re often rushed into for the wrong reasons. Often following a painful breakup, people seek out a new partner as proof that they are still loveable, for the comfort of physical intimacy or as a relief from being alone. Basically, they are busy moving away from a negative situation, rather than moving toward a healthy partnership.
Perhaps the man you met is fabulous, and perhaps you and he would make a great couple, but the only way you are going to find out (whether he is on the rebound or genuinely ready for a new relationship) is by spending time together and by experiencing each other across a variety of circumstances and settings.
As you progress, notice whether he has recovered from his past relationship and destructive patterns. Does he have a willingness to face his hurt? The more unwilling people are to feel hurt, the more walls and defenses they put up to protect themselves. That does not mean the psychological injury of the past breakup is healed, it just means it is hidden for the time being. Does he clearly see how his own behaviour or attitude contributed to the breakdown of his previous relationship or is he just blaming his ex? Playing the ‘blame game’ is generally a sign that the person has not taken the time to grieve the relationship or reframe the issues that led to its failure.
As well, you both likely hold images of what men and women are like, as a result of your past relationships. Often, people make the mistake of thinking that they should choose a mate who is the absolute opposite of their ex. When in actuality, they should be aware of how they could have handled things differently, especially how they managed conflict in the relationship.
Since you are both very new to dating, I would suggest that you proceed, but proceed with caution. Allow your relationship to unfold naturally, but be aware of the risks of over-investing in one another emotionally, until you have enough experience with each other to gauge each other’s readiness for a new relationship.